The Sun

I love the sun.  I love the heat of the rays on my skin and on my face.  Plus it just makes the whole world brighter and my mood better.  It has been so cold, wet, and the sun has been hiding behind the clouds way too much lately.  I was so grateful for the sun that came out today.  Rose and James were excited too.  They wanted to go out and play in the melting snow.  Here are the pictures I captured of them.

I posted a while ago that I am trying to break down the wall around my heart.  I have disconnected with my children ever since Rose was diagnosed.  I don't know if it is because I am afraid of losing them or if it is because I have to hurt Rose in order for her to live.  I don't know, but today is the first time in a long time that I feel like I am engaging with my children and beginning to feel that connection to them again.  I love them and I am so proud of the children that they are.  

 We have to prick Rose's fingers about every four hours to check her Blood glucose.  Lately I have been noticing that her little tiny fingers have so many scars on them.  My Mom (Who is a diabetic, too) says that you even loose sensation on your finger tips when you prick them.  I hope that Rose won't loose all of her sensation in her finger tips.  Hopefully one day they can come up with a better way to test BG, that don't involve pricking these beautiful little hands.  The white thing in Rose's hands is a rock that she believes is going to hatch into something.  I haven't told her yet that it won't because I love her imagination, and who needs to squash her hopes when she is only three.  Someday she will learn that rocks don't hatch, but today she will be a child and believe.  She has been carrying it around since she found it and keeps asking when it will hatch. We have warmed it up and even made a nest for it.

Hard shell

I have come down with this horrible case of insomnia lately. I am pretty sure it is because I have let's feed or adapted my children's bad sleeping habits overt the last five years. Also my mom has a hard time sleeping too. Any ways there has been something on my mind the last couple days and I want quite sure how to wrote what I have been feeling. Since I am wide awake I might as well try to write something's down.

After Rose and James were born I started to realize that I had some postpartum depression after both of my pregnancies. It was really difficult for me to accept the fact that I needed a medication in order to function normally, but I do. I have always been a pretty emotional person either really happy or passionately angry. I feel all of the emotions intensified. So when I started having postpartum depression it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am on medication and it helps but the biggest thing that changed for me is that I learned how to disassociate myself with people and my emotions in order to just make it through the day. I had to put a shell around my emotions and the medication makes me feel more level and consistent.

I am beginning to realize that when rose was diagnosed with T1D that shell hardened a lot. When you have to give your child a shot every time you eat you have to disassociate the fact that you are hurting the same child that you would give up your life for in a heart beat. You HAVE to hurt them in order for them to live. To deal with that I mentally hardened my emotional shell to function with the new reality of being a T1D parent. But now I am beginning to realize the effect that it is having on me and my family. Sometimes I feel like a robot with no emotions and connection to the people I love the most. I want so desperately to break they she'll and to feel those deep emotional connections with people. I have found that it takes a lot of work each and every day to have those connections. But the truth is sometimes I don't want to have to worry about one more thing during the day. I still feel so overwhelmed with the T1D life and to add one more thing is just way to much for me right now. I know that someday I will break through this shell but for now I am going to keep it on. And I am going to wear it as a badge of honor that I am a mother of a T1D child and she is thriving.

People always ask me how Rose is doing. The fact is she is great. She was so young when she was diagnosed that she doesn't know any different now. But for me, it has been very difficult mentally. I have come a long way but I still have a long way to go. Being a T1D parent changes everything and it takes a big toll on you emotionally. When the kids are so young when they are diagnosed they just adapt. They are resilient and it is amazing to see how they just step up and move forward never looking back. I hope that I can one day move past all of this emotional scaring and be like Rose... brave, resilient, and strong.